Cynthia Bailey-Rug's Blog

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012-01-06T14:39:00.000-05:00

A bit late, but happy new year anyway!!!

Well, since my last post, things have been interesting.. I got angry at my mother. VERY angry. There is a good thing to that though- God enabled me to release that anger. I felt it, told Him about it, & visualized giving it to Him. Once I gave it over to God, I was able to release that once & for all. Releasing that anger has enabled me to be so much more peaceful & relaxed. The anxiety I've experienced so long is all but gone now. And, when I had to deal with my mother, I was able to avoid playing her negative, controlling games. It felt GREAT! (Mind you, she hadn't spoken to me in months before this past Wednesday.) I also have been able to lose myself in the little pleasures of life- warm showers, beautiful birds in the backyard, the crackle & scent of the fireplace. The little things truly are the big things.. the things that bring the most pleasure! :)

Sunday, November 10, 2011

2011-11-20T17:13:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been in a terrible mood...alternating between anger & depression. Long story short, I've realized why- I was raised by a narcissistic mother & an enabling father, & for the first time, I'm angry. Growing up, my mother always told me I had a terrible temper- that "Bailey temper." This made me learn at an early age to stuff my anger deep inside rather than expressing it in a healthy way. I have carried this behavior well into adulthood, & only recently have begun to learn how to process anger in a healthy way. Ironically, thanks to my mother. She said she was unable to take Dad to his cancer treatment recently- the hospital is less than one mile from their home, but I was supposed to drive about seven miles to their house to drive him that less than one mile. I got angry, & refused, thus forcing her to do this. He is her husband, after all- not mine. The fact she was trying to put me into this situation angered me, & something snapped inside me. I no longer can deal with pushing my anger down. I am learning to express it in a healthy way, & let it motivate me towards change. This is what anger is for- to let you know something is wrong & to motivate you towards change. I finally get it, thank God, but it feels so foreign to be angry. It's been a real challenge to deal with this- something I am learning to lean on God for. I know He will bring me through this, but it is VERY hard & painful right now.

Anyone reading this, if you don't mind, please pray for me- this is the biggest challenge of my life so far. Thank you, & may God bless you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

2011-11-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

It's a lovely fall day here in MD. My favorite time of the year. :)
I am still looking for stories of people surviving & overcoming abuse for my book.. please email me your story if you would like to participate in this project. For details, click here:

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Make_A_Difference.htm

I haven't been writing much lately- been taking a little hiatus as a lot of personal issues have been happening. Instead, I've been knitting & doing household things. Not sure why, but it's what I've been in the mood for, & it feels good taking the break for now. :)
Take care, Dear Reader.. & may God richly bless you!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

2011-10-11T18:10:00.001-04:00

Very interesting...

While reading a group on facebook for Christian women who have survived abuse, I was given an idea for a new book- a compliation of various persons' stories of overcoming abuse with God's help. I decided to pray about it, but decided to do that later since it was getting late & I just didn't feel I had the proper focus. I watched "Praise The Lord" & Josh McDowell was on. Not sure if you've ever heard of him. I hadn't until last night. Fascinating speaker. He discussed his own abusive upbringing, & how he has overcome so much, but even so, still has a couple of issues. God put ideas in my head as I was listening to Josh speak..

This will be a free e-book available for download on my site (or any site where I can make it available!). That way, anyone in need of help & inspiration may access it. Also, stories included don't need to be those of people who have entirely overcome their abusive pasts. Most of us who have been victims have come a long way, but still have the occasional trigger that sets us into panic or anger, or we still have things we cannot seem to forgive no matter how much we try. It's a good idea to show people that there is nothing wrong with them if they have those issues- it's just residue from the abuse, & it's normal.

If you would like to have your story considered for publication in this book project, please visit the page below for all the details. I look forward to hearing from you soon! :)

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Make_A_Difference.htm

Monday, October 10, 2011

2011-10-10T17:18:00.001-04:00

I know- it's been a while since the last post. I didn't see any point in posting, because due to problems with my web host, my site was down for around 3 months. ACK! But it's alright- all is ok now. Site is back up, & changes have been made.. hope you enjoy the new site. :)
So I learned something in this time..
A friend of mine told me about how God blesses those who bless Israel. Being in a tight financial situation, I decided to donate my last $5 to an organization that helps Israel. That was yesterday.
Today, my hubby asked me to contact the gas & electric company. We had a cut off notice for $563 due on the 15th. He asked me to see if I could get it extended by a few days & reduced. The system is totally automated- I couldn't speak to a human if I wanted to. I called anyway, knowing I could at least get the extension. Turns out the system said it was for only $380, NOT $563!!! How cool is this?! This has NEVER happened before! Plus like I said, it's totally automated! This is God's hand at work for sure. Utterly amazing how kind He is & how faithful!
Also, in the last three months, I've begun another book. It's a fictional story based on some of the abuse I've experienced in my life. It's about a young woman who has been abused by a narcissistic mother, & how she learns to deal with her mother & heal, with the help of God & a good therapist. Hopefully it'll be done by the end of the year.. we'll see. :)
The last thing I've been up to- learning to knit socks on a circular needle. For those of you who don't know, I'm a knitting fanatic. I like knitting socks because they can be a challenge. I've found that knitting them this way is fun & easy. So, my first pair is almost done, & will soon be going to my aunt Judy.
Take care, & God bless you!

Monday June 27, 2011

2011-06-27T11:10:00.001-04:00

God is amazing.. my word. He just keeps showing me how much He loves me.
Recently, one of my car windows was broken. Since it's my late Granddad's car, I was naturally really upset. Plus, the car is 42 years old- I was afraid of not being able to find a window. Well, not only was I able to find the window, but insurance is paying for most of the cost of fixing it, & I was fortunate enough to find TWO new salvage yards with plenty of parts for my car!
Also, both my husband & I have some baggage from being abused in our lives. Both of us are really facing things now. It's great because we are able to help each other, which is bringing us closer, plus once you get to the root of things, you truly are able to heal. It's amazing stuff. I am so grateful to God!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

2011-05-14T12:02:00.001-04:00

I realized something.. on May 14, 1988, my ex husband proposed to me. The previous day, (ironically it was Friday the 13th) was our first kiss. Remembering these dates made me think about how drastically my life has changed in the last 23 years. The biggest change has been inviting Jesus to be my Lord & Savior in 1996. Life has been very interesting since. There have been troubles & heartaches, but the best part is God has carried me through every single one.
Another change is back in 1988, I had no self-esteem. I was thoroughly convinced there was no one uglier, dumber, fatter, etc. than me. Here we are today, & I've realized, thanks be to God, that stuff is NOT true! He made me, "fearfully & wonderfully" & has a very good purpose for my life. It is so freeing to feel this way instead of the way I used to feel.
God is so good! He is awesome! :D

Sunday, April 3, 2011

2011-04-03T12:23:00.001-04:00

Happy Sunday, everyone!

Recently, I finished another book- a small one about being a good witness for your Christian faith. A very good friend of mine inspired it. She is involved in the Pagan religion, and has not had good interactions with Christians. The things she told me have broken my heart! There are churches in her area that have members who have physically assaulted people at Pagan events, and who murder cats, saying they are "familiars" and need to die. While I do understand disagreeing with their religious beliefs, what I cannot understand is them, or any Christians, thinking that this type of behavior is acceptable. God calls us to love people- not to bully them into the faith! (I won't even comment on murdering innocent animals, as that is so far beyond reprehensible, I can't put my feelings into words.) I felt the need to write out everything I could think of that might help people become a better witness to their faith, and hopefully to improve their own quality of life at the same time. The book is available for a free download on my website on the "Free E-books" link, or for purchase at www.lulu.com/CynthiaBaileyRug

March 12, 2011

2011-03-12T15:02:00.001-05:00

It's been an interesting month since I last wrote in this blog.. to start with, one of our cats, Pretty Boy, was just diagnosed with feline diabetes. I'm chosing to believe God that he will be healed. He's improving daily, so total healing can't be far away!

Also, God has been dealing with me since my last entry. For so long, I've dealt with someone in my life beinng virtually impossible. She is highly critical, judgmental & very self-centered. For years now, I've been wondering how to deal with this person! The good news is God has shown me how to. He's shown me she exhibits traits of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Whether she actually has that mental disorder or not, I don't know, but she does show many of the signs of it. That has made me realize that this person is unable to deal with others in a healthy, mature way. Knowing that, I mean really knowing that, has helped me not to be so easily upset by her cruel words & actions. Don't get me wrong- I'm not defending her. It's just been a very good reminder of something we all need to remember when dealing with people. You cannot expect others to give what they don't have. If they aren't mentally stable, they won't act stable. They can't. If someone is very self-centered, like this person I know, it's crazy to expect her to be understanding, giving, compassionate, etc. with me. She is simply unable to do so. If someone doesn't love themselves, they can't love you properly, because they don't have love inside of them.

This may sound like common sense, but honestly, most of us need reminders of this! It is so easy to get caught up in the hurt or frustration caused by someone else's careless actions.. but I encourage you to ask God to help you see the truth behind their actions. He sees the heart & knows what the problem truly is.

February 7, 2011

2011-02-07T10:05:00.001-05:00

Yesterday on the way home, my husband & I saw a dead beagle in front of our neighbor's home. I called the local animal control, & was rerouted to the police. They told me to call today. So today I called, & was given another agency to call about this dog. The people I spoke with were cold as ice. Eventually, I was told that someone would be out here to pick up the dog's remains. Hopefully they will track the owner down from the rabies tag.

I just don't understand people! Don't they realize animals are valuable beings?! If that was a person lying by the side of the road, he sure wouldn't have been there long! God loves animals- why don't people as well?? It's so sad.. it just breaks my heart for these poor, defenseless animals.

I also realized something else interesting... when I've had some of my furkids pass on, each time has been extremely painful. I felt like I lost a child, but didn't want to say that- it may offend those who have actually lost children. Yet a few days ago, I spoke to a very dear friend of mine whose daughter died 3 days before my cat Vincent died last December. As she told me about her emotions & experiences while her daughter was dying, I was amazed- we experienced many of the exact same emotions. Please remember this when someone you know who is an animal lover loses their pet- be kind & gentle with them! They are experiencing the same pain as someone who has lost a human child.

January 17, 2011- current writing project

2011-01-17T10:47:00.001-05:00

I decided to make my current writing project about how to be a better witness for Christ. So many Christians are doing things these days that scare people from our faith, rather than attract people to it. Things like protesting at funerals, or telling people they'll go to hell if they don't change their behavior (when really, entrance to heaven doesn't depend on behavior, but accepting Jesus as Savior). God wants Christians to be good witnesses for Him, so people will want to be Christians. Scaring or bullying people does NOT prove a good witness! Keeping this in mind, I am open to suggestions. Does anyone have any ideas for being a good witness that I can include in this writing? So far, I am writing about loving God's way (loving God, others and self), allowing people freedom to chose Jesus or reject Him, not being judgmental/critical and living as an example of Christianity, not merely preaching about it. Other suggestions are welcome. (I may or may not accept them, just so you know. I'm asking for God's guidance in this work.) If you cannot comment on this blog as some people have had trouble with doing so, feel free to email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com. Have a blessed day everyone!

December 29, 2010

2010-12-29T16:08:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I posted, yet again... & yet again, I apologize...

The last month has been challenging, but especially since 8 days ago. That was the day that dear Vincent, my Granddad's wonderful, sweet, loving cat, passed away suddenly. Why is beyond me- there are a few reasons it could have happened, but we are unsure what happened. All we know for sure is Vincent is missed- his loving, kind, generous heart touched everyone living in our home, whether human or animal. The good news is that he is with Granddad once again, yet, even though that is wonderful news, we all are at the selfish point of grieving at the moment, where all that matters is we miss our dear friend.

On a lighter note, I pray everyone had a great Christmas day, celebrating the birth of Jesus. And, I pray everyone enjoys the pending new year. May 2011 be full of blessings too great to contain!!

Also, I just finished a book that I plan to publish within the week. This book is about the beautiful lessons every one of my dogs & cats has taught me. I pray it will be a blessing to everyone who reads it, & that it opens the eyes of people to the value God places on our animal companions!

November 23, 2010

2010-11-23T11:27:00.001-05:00

Last night, I watched one of my favorite preachers on tv, Jesse Duplantis. (www.JDM.org) Naturally, he was talking about being thankful. Typical topic for preaching this time of year, I suppose. His teaching was more inspiring than any other Thanksgiving teaching I've heard however. He said that he felt that people who don't celebrate this holiday (such as those outside the USA) should set aside a day each year to thank God for His blessings. It's a lovely idea. I thought it'd be a good idea to set aside a day each week to take a little time to thank God for His blessings. I want to maintain an attitude of gratitude, but to set aside special time, even if only a few minutes a week, specifically to focus on thanking God will not only honor Him, but increase the awareness of blessings.

I hope everyone has a wondeful Thanksgiving, & please, remember to thank God for His blessings, as well as thank your friends & family for the good they do for you! :)

November 17, 2010

2010-11-17T11:42:00.001-05:00

Wow.. another month since my last post. Time flies!

It's been a challenging time lately. I've been wanting to write, but as you can see, I haven't even been able to keep up with this blog, let alone anything more substantial. When I prayed about it, God told me that it's kind of like a mild form of post traumatic stress disorder- I've been through a lot lately, & at the time, I just focused on getting through, not the emotions. Now that things have calmed down, the emotions are kicking in, leaving me anxious & sad. The good thing is I know this will pass in time. I finally started accepting that I'm ok, even normal, for this. Last night, I somehow accepted something for the first time about myself enabling me to do that. In the last 20 years, I've had 4 nervous breakdowns. The 3rd one in December of 2008 was quite severe, & was quickly followed by #4, which seemed almost like an earthquake's aftershock. The fact is that these breakdowns have left me slightly damaged- I just cannot handle stress as well as I did before them. I don't know if it's actual brain damage, but I suspect it is. The point is- it's ok. God's grace is made perfect in my weaknesses. He will carry me through the hard times- I don't need to keep relying on myself alone to do that. Maybe He allowed the breakdowns to happen to teach me to lean on Him. Whatever the case, I have finally accepted this about myself, & am trying to remember to lean on God for everything, even the silly little things like styling my hair.

On a lighter, happier note, Eric & I adopted 2 beautiful kitten boys on the 5th!!! After losing so many sweet furbabies, I thought we should look into getting a kitten. Not to replace our lost ones, but to bring new love & life into our home. Well, Anne Arundel County animal control had these 2 beautiful boys up for adoption, & I fell in love. Their names are Bo & Luke, & they are precious! Sadly, they came complete with upper respiratory infections, which spread to some of the other cats. Poor Vincent got it the worst, & with him being 14 now, it was pretty scary. Thank God though, everyone is recovering. Bo & Luke have also decided that Vincent is their new daddy- they follow him, snuggle him & basically worship the ground he walks on. It is just too sweet for words. These boys are truly a blessing, even though Eric is still pouting- he wanted a girl kitty. :) I guess this means we'll have to get him his girl kitty one of these days. In all honesty, the testosterone level is a bit much. Thankfully, we have Dixie- our American Eskimo dog who seems to have enough estrogen for 20 animals to balance things out.. lol

October 17, 2010

2010-10-17T18:51:00.001-04:00

Wow.. one month since my last entry. I do get lazy with this blog thing, don't I? I apologize!

Since my last entry, we lost one of our sweet kitties. Little Spanky passed away suddenly on Oct. 7th from renal failure. It all happened so fast.. I was already sad from other things that have happened the last few months, especially losing our dear Poo Kitty on Aug. 11. The good thing is God has carried me through the pain. His presence is constant, His love unfailing. He has placed things on the hearts of even unbelievers to do to bless me, improving my mood.

I'm still in the midst of grieving however, & that is ok...some people act like I need to shake it off, but God has shown me that it's ok not to be "perfect" at all times. Sometimes, we need to work through grief or anger or sadness. Things can't be shaken off every time. While I'm not saying emotions need to be first priority, or make us selfish (the "I can't help you because I have problems!" mentality), it is ok to spend time with God working through them. Let Him carry you, & comfort you. After all, God is our Heavenly Father. What father doesn't want to comfort his children in times of trial??

September 17, 2010

2010-09-17T17:32:00.001-04:00

Things have been interesting the few weeks. Whew! I've gone through many life changing things, even what I could call a near death experience. I didn't realize my shoe's sole was coming unglued. It got caught on a curb in front of a local craft store, sending me flying into traffic, landing about 12" from the bumper of a pick up truck. Thank God He protected me & the truck was able to stop without hitting me. I ended up with damaged pride, but no serious injuries otherwise. This & the other extremely positive & negative things that have happened have been changing the way I think- increasinng my faith in God greatly, & making me want to take better care of myself by enjoying life more. It has me questioning relationships & how I handle stress & more.

The most recent thing is on Monday, while loading my washer, I got a nasty pain in my back. That pain turned into a huge spasm. I know God spoke to my heart & said it was related to my emotional health. He brought some memories to mind, & enabled me to face them & heal me from the anger/hurt/etc. While the pain diminished some, it was still there. Even after a wonderful massage from my dear friend, it only improved some.

Today, I had a very stressful phone conversation with someone. When I got off the phone, I could barely walk. I didn't even make this connection- my husband did. It showed me that yet again, this pain is emotional. When I experience a negative emotion, I turn it inside.

I believe many people do just this same thing. It explains the amount of people with stress-related conditions such as high blood pressure, ulcers, etc.

My point of writing all of this? I would love to hear the experiences others have with internalizing their emotions. I am in new territory here- this is a topic I know nothing about. I would like to learn how to stop doing this myself, plus, maybe it's morbid curiosity, but I would like to hear others' experiences. If you want to share your story, please email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com Thank you, & may God bless & keep you!

August 13, 2010- what a month!

2010-08-13T18:25:00.001-04:00

WOW.. that's all I can say.. lol

July 25th, my home was hit by lightening & I came dangerously close to not only losing all my stuff, my car, my home, but all of my furkids in a firey, horrible death. Since then, I also have learned beyond a doubt that my mother does not care about me, as I'd suspected. Someone I hadn't seen in years passed away, & her death affected me more deeply than I would've expected. Then 2 days ago, I lost one of my precious furbabies- she died suddenly, quietly passing away in my arms. There were also other not quite as dramatic, but nonetheless challenging things in that time as well.

All of this has changed me. I've learned what is important to me- my family & friends who know how to love & don't play mind games. People who are genuine, kind & loving. People who know & respect that my furkids are also my family, & don't act like there is something wrong with me for being this way. People who give me the freedom to disagree with them, while it doesn't damage the relationship we share. People who don't jump to stupid conclusions about me when they don't know all the facts of a situation (that "white trash" thing from my in-laws comes to mind here). Most importantly, God has become even more important to me, as Him protecting my furkids, home, stuff & car from fire has definitely increased my faith. Life is just too short. Plus, everything can change in the blink of an eye- why waste time in unhealthy relationships??

I also realized some things that suddenly bother me. People who judge & criticize. People who think their opinions are so valuable, they need to share them with everyone, even when they aren't asked for them. People who feel the need to tell others what to believe in, who to care about, what to feel & think, etc. People who don't share my faith & insult it. I no longer tolerate any of that kind of behavior in my life from anyone. If you are reading this & behave that way, you aren't going to be in my life for long, so you need to accept that about me.

Today, I was faced with a ludicrous disagreement with someone.. it simply reinforced my thoughts that life is just too short for games. I hope anyone reading this realizes the same thing.

July 28, 2010- WOW!

2010-07-28T19:21:00.001-04:00

God is utterly amazing..

Sunday, there was a dreadful storm in the area. We were out, but when we came home, we saw some damage. Lightening struck our neighbor's house- their chimney exploded about 18" from the top, showering bricks all over our property. Their tree was split in half from a lightening strike. Our house was also hit- the window air conditioner was struck, and the insulation surrounding it caught fire. The satellite dish was damaged. The well pump was completely fried from the lightening strike on the ground. A tv set is damaged too- the picture is about impossible to watch..

The amazing part of all of this? Our house could have burned down! That insulation caught fire! We could've come home to our house gone, along with our furkids that were inside. My car could've been totalled from the falling bricks, but it didn't have a scratch- only some small splinters from the damaged tree and some leaves. God truly took care of us and protected our valuables! He honored my prayer! When I saw the rain moving in, I asked God to protect our furkids, home and cars. He truly answered that prayer- above and beyond!

God is amazing! Praise His name!

July 24, 2010

2010-07-24T12:57:00.002-04:00

Well, what a rough couple of days! Just lots of frustration and hurtful things have happened lately. But yanno what? God has shown His kindness and love in the midst of it all. Little blessings that have helped cheer me up have happened, like selling my first copy of my book "Sins of the Father" a few days ago. It's amazing- even during the worst of times, God is still there, showing His love, if you just look for and recognize it. He is good!

July 14, 2010- for my fellow writers.

2010-07-14T14:37:00.001-04:00

I have noticed something. Unless you make the big bucks like Stephen King with your writing, there isn't much respect out there for writers. Why is beyond me, but it seems to be.

Recently, I wanted to sit down and focus on writing articles for a website I just got involved with. I was interrupted by my husband who wanted to go out. When we got home, I was interrupted by an instant message. Oddly, by someone who insulted my new gig because it's a pay per view type payment rather than paying well per article upfront. Other interruptions kept happening. It was infuriating! It showed me yet again that writers don't get a lot of respect!

I just wanted to encourage my fellow writers out there- if you write, it IS important! It is worthy of respect! You are following your heart by doing what God has called you to do! Demand respect for your writing time from those who live in your home- tell them you need time to write without being disturbed. Lock yourself in a room if you have to, but demand your time. Writing is a calling just like anything else is, and it shouldn't be treated as if it's trivial just because you aren't preaching in a pulpit, or even working 9-5. It's still important- don't doubt that! Anne Rice was once asked what advice she would give up and coming writers. Her response made such sense to me- she said (not a direct quote here- I can't remmeber her exact wording) that even new writers are still writers. Act like you already have a successful career- demand time to yourself to work, and ignore the naysayers! Her advice makes sense- if you believe your writing is important, others will too.

Good luck to you other writers reading this! :)

July 7, 2010

2010-07-07T10:13:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a rough day... my hubby's unemployment appeal hearing went poorly. Honestly, it's scary knowing we have no income. But God truly spoke to my heart & encouraged me.

I had an urge to read through some old emails from my dear, late friend. She suffered with cancer several times in her life. Her next to last battle, she felt God had forsaken her. As a devoted Christian, those were words I never expected her to say! One day she sent me an email that said she realized that He hadn't forgotten her, but was carrying her through it all. She said she was so wrong, & realized that the reason she hadn't felt His presence in the same way was because He was carrying her. Reading this inspired me so much! If she could think this while going through cancer, then certainly I could realize the same in my less serious situation.

Also, I watched Joel Osteen (http://www.joelosteen.org/) preach. He is always so inspiring! He said that the devil doesn't attack us for where we are, but where we are going. He knows God has a good future for us, so he tries to discourage us, destroy our faith/health/etc. before we can get to that good plan. It makes such sense!

God is truly good!!!

July 3, 2010- selfishness just irks me!

2010-07-03T17:31:00.001-04:00

July 3, 2010

Had an interesting chat today.. I talked to someone who is naturally a very self-centered person. What an ugly way for a person to behave, selfishness. It’s just amazing to me how a person can go through life caring about only themselves. Don’t these selfish people realize how hurtful that is to others? Don’t they realize how that behavior makes people not want to be around them? I guess they don’t realize that by being so selfish, they are telling those around them that they just don’t matter. Or, maybe they just don’t care that they are giving that message.

I believe life is too short to treat people so poorly. You never know when the last time you’ll see someone is- how would you feel if you knew that the last time you saw someone you love, you had acted like a selfish jerk who didn’t even ask how he or she was feeling?

Also, as a Christian, I do NOT want to give that kind of representation of God! Non-Christians look at Christians. They want to see evidence that we are living what we believe, or evidence of our hypocrisy. I refuse to be a poor example of my faith!
I hope that anyone reading this will check their own actions, and if they realize they are acting selfishly, change their ways.

July 1, 2010- My first blog entry.. ta da!!!! :)

2010-07-01T12:51:00.001-04:00

Here it is- my first blog entry.

Today, barring any of the usual interruptions, I’ll be working on my current writing project- a daily devotional inspired by a yahoo! group my friend and I have called Sarah’s daughters. I’m hoping it will inspire women to be all that God has called them to be. I’m also hoping it will be completed by the end of this year. (by the way, visit our site at http://PrincessWives.tripod.com. There's a link on there to the yahoo group)

As I write this, there are some personal problems going on in my life. It’s a scary time. Yet, I know God is there- He’s got my back. I feel His presence constantly, and there is such peace when I pray- He reassures me constantly that all will be fine. During our dire financial straights, He constantly provides.

Also, ever since I can remember, I have battled depression every summer. It’s a form of seasonal affective disorder (aka “SAD”). Basically, this means the excessive sunlight and heat makes me feel very sad. This year started out to be an especially difficult one. Depression was starting to overwhelm me. Then God came along and showed me that not only is this problem physical, but I had another problem with it. Growing up, I was told how I felt was wrong, or told I felt and did certain things that I did not feel or do. It made me doubt reality, and doubt my own instincts and ability to perceive reality. During prayer, God showed me that this made me take what people say over what I know is truth. When someone told me I should feel a certain way but I didn’t, I got mad at myself, and tried to feel how they told me I should (leading to much more trouble than the original problem at hand). I also resented them telling me how to feel. As an example, when I divorced my ex husband, my so-called “friends” said since I initiated the divorce, I shouldn’t be upset about it. So I buried my feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, etc. God showed me I’ve been doing this for so many years, and that was a big part of my depression this summer. It all caught up to me. I was hurt and angry- not just for whatever the original problem was, but hurt and angry at others for telling me I was wrong for my feelings, and angry at myself for not feeling how they thought I should feel. What a mess, huh? This revelation has been so freeing, though! It gave me the strength not to let anyone tell me how to feel again. God is so good!